Baby don't hurt me. Nicole Xu for NPR hide caption. Is it really true that a good black man is hard to find? This week, we're taking on some long-lasting stereotypes about black-on-black love.
I am an attractive, social young black woman from Austin and I can't seem to land a black man.
I support and participate in interracial friendships and romances so much so that strangers Black and asian interracial hookup issues comment on the college-brochure-cover level of diversity going on in my circlebut I have always desired and expected black love like my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents had.
I would not say I am waiting for a black man, but the older I get, the more weddings I attend where my brothers or cousins marry a white woman, the seemingly intentional lack of eye contact I receive while black men sidle up to my non-black friends in the club, the more I feel it will never happen for me.
I wanted my baby heir with baby hair and afros Jackson 5 nostrils, etc. What are your thoughts on this phenomenon and what can a black woman do to protect herself from feelings of rejection? Natalie, this is a conversation I've had with friends, family members, coworkers — even a professor I had in college. And it's never easy.
Because to answer your question, we have to unpack some truths, some myths and some painful realities. So first, the truths.
Dating is hard for lots of people, but for black women in the United States, it can be uniquely horrible. For one thing, we're often expected to conform to white beauty standards. For another, we're up against a hold parade of racist stereotypes: Oh, and we can't take a joke.
Those stereotypes and expectations do two things. First, they limit the pool of people who are interested in dating black women. And second, they often create situations where we, as black women, try super hard not to fit into those categories. So rather than relaxing and trying to have fun with potential dates, we're caught up in the impossible game of trying to seem fun and ambitious and feminine and flirty And to help us out, we're told to listen to relationship advice, as Demetria Lucas D'Oyley puts itthat comes from experts with "screwed-up views" about sex and gender, who tell women "how to be better women [so that they can] land a man.
On top of all that, black women have to contend with some deep stereotypes about black men. LaDawn Black, an author and relationship expertsays that all women get the message that it's hard to find a good match. But she says black women who want to date black men "really get the message that he's not out there.
Some myths about black men, according to LaDawn Black: He's not interested in you because he's interested in dating women of other ethnicities. Or, he's just not available to you because maybe he's in jail, or just not healthy, or addicted.
Black says, "We get those messages all the time. And what has happened is that we as black women have started to internalize it, even though we look around and see that our girlfriends are getting married, even though we So let's take a look at some numbers. Black and asian interracial hookup issues to a Pew Research study75 percent of recently married black men were married to black women. In other words, black men who marry black women are the norm.
Nonetheless, people tend to notice interracial couples more than they notice same-race couples. So Natalie, when you walk into the club, your eyes probably zoom in on the black dude downing white wine spritzers with his Latina date. But the idea that all black men are passing up black women for everyone else is overstated, to say the least.
There's another stereotype about black men that's worth unpacking. Many people cite OKCupid findings from to underscore the idea that black women and Asian men have the worst outcomes among straight couples on dating sites.
What they don't always add is that black men also face a "racial penalty" for being black. We've all heard the myth that black men have their pick of the pack when it comes to dating. But in fact, they're up against a whole host of setbacks of their own. Of course, looking at those numbers doesn't tell the full story.
Black men are still significantly more likely to marry someone of a different race than black women. That Pew study found that 88 percent of black women were married to black men. Now, knowing all this data doesn't mean that next time you go out, the black man of your dreams is magically going to start chatting you up. So what do you do? LaDawn Black says that intentionality is your friend.
So many people are hung up on the idea of a meet-cute — but she that's just not how love tends to go down anymore. It's something that people have to plan for, whether that means using a dating app, website, or putting the word out to friends and family members. And Black has one last piece of advice for the lovelorn. Where black men or black boys are socialized to just look for a good woman.
So if you're getting that message from birth, you're really looking Black and asian interracial hookup issues that. And he exists, he's out there, he's available to you.
But what if he's a good Asian man? What if he's a good white man? What if he's a good Puerto Rican man? You're limiting your
Black and asian interracial hookup issues by not opening up yourself to dating someone who's different. She adds, "As black women, we have to define love for ourselves. Black and asian interracial hookup issues be afraid to have non-traditional relationships.
Don't be afraid to have a relationship that's different from your parents, that's different from your girlfriends.
That's different from what TV and movies tell you your relationship should look like. You really have to get the love that fits you. Not the love that you've been sold may fit.
Do you have thoughts about black-on-black love?
We want to hear from you! Email us at CodeSwitch npr. Have a racial conundrum of your own? Fill out this form and tell us the deets. Accessibility links Skip to main content Keyboard shortcuts for audio player. Code Switch Searching for black love in all the wrong places? This week on Ask Code Switch, we bust the myths and unpack the stereotypes about black relationships.
Facebook Twitter Flipboard Email. February 14, 4: Nicole Xu for NPR. Asian women have to deal with race-related dating frustrations, too, including rampant fetishization on What have your experiences with interracial dating been like?
Even before I came out to her, I had a black boyfriend. White-Asian couples accounted for another 14% of intermarriages, and white- black couples made up 8%. In22% of black male newlyweds chose partners of another Does having a racial preference when dating make us racist?